Jokes

[NATA NOVA]

Originally Posted by Valerit

Can save on tea?

I do not know.
but certainly not in the economy ..

[tivat]

In the Odessa school in Soviet times:
- Children! God no! Let's all show the window care! Abrash, why do not you show a fig?
- If it is not present, to whom it show? And if there is - why spoil a relationship with him?

---
When Moses broke the tablets from a single gem, everyone rushed to pick up the pieces. Collected and became the basis for the future welfare of their families. The rich have got hefty pieces that say "steal", "willed", "commit adultery." And the poor - small ones in which "no", "no", "no."

---
- Rabbi, if I leave all my money synagogue and die, I will go to heaven?
- You know, Izzy, guarantees I can not give, but to try, in my opinion, worth it!

---
- Rabbi, why do boys circumcised?
- Well, first of all, it's beautiful ...

---
 Jewish rabbi asked why they should always walk with their heads covered.
- Because in the nineteenth chapter of the book "Exodus" in the fourteenth verse says, "And Moses went down to the people ..."
- They're not talking about a hat!
- Do you might have thought that Moses went out to the people without Bale?

---
Old Jew comes to the rabbi:
- Rebbe! What a mess! What do I do? ... I go I am today to her son, and in his bed Christian girl on the table - pork!
-It's not so bad. Now, if she was on the table, and pork in the bed ...

---
 - Dinochka Isaakovna, I congratulate you on his birthday and wish you all-just beautiful!
- Thank you, darling! After all, I will not be congratulated, no bastard, except you!

[Valerit]

The later the ambulance arrives , the more accurate diagnosis

It's that time , when the time is gone ..
.
Maniac sprayed with poison , and donated money to the orphanage . died
twenty deputies , two mayors and one minister . The children were not injured.

Russia - it is a country where women have a headache in the evening , and husbands -
in the morning

Girl! You forgot the bag ! - Allah Akbar!

[Valerit]

Now read the " Komsomolskaya Pravda Thai ":

Many people know that Pavlov's dog , when the bulb drool, but few people know that she got up at the sight of a soldering iron !
    ----
Old Shar Pei does not understand how he barks .
    ---
The ideal woman is a chess ...
They may be silent for hours , watching the good figures and know a lot of interesting items.

[Valerit]

On the plane on a nearby chair blonde and a lawyer. Fly long.
Blonde silently turns and looks out the window. Blonde lawyer :
- Let me ask you a question , if you do not know the answer - you give me $ 5. Then you ask me a question, if I do not know the answer - I you 500 dollars.
Blonde agrees.
lawyer:
- What is the distance from the Earth to the Moon ?
Blonde silently gives him $ 5.
blonde:
- Who climbs the hill with three legs and comes down on four ?
It takes a couple of hours. The lawyer phoned friends to , break the Internet, the answer can not find. Do nothing, giving the blonde $ 500 and asks
- Who is it ?
Blonde silently gives him $ 5 and turns to the window .

[klimvor]

1.
I pursue clever ideas, but I quickly ..........

2.
Stall, two fences, bench-to firewood! Nastya yesterday received law.

3.
-You are a shark pen?
- No, I woodpecker keyboard.

[Grigory]

Pearl symphonic orchestra

• only three rehearsals before pozora!
• Fagoty back in pot did not take, and tpombony uzhe konchili!
• I say pipes! And they look, obnimayutsya, tseluyutsya.
• In Shostakovich's many notes, and they change all the time.
• What is not the same as the text of the overture - look it up yourself with your fingers.
• Note a point means that you have something to do with it.
• I will tell you now, what music here - you will be surprised.
• There's the devil knows what is written in the score! Copyist - strashnoe chelovek shit.
• This is not a symphony orchestra here in the crowd you can not hide, you have to play clean!
• The game is not what I want, and what is written in the score.
• Gypsy fun marred unenforceable passage trombones.
• You should play like you're a little drunk and not in a hurry.
• Pretend that you are a musician, not just assholes with glands.
• In decent bands at the conductor not stare!
• "At Eight" - the same rate, only 2 times faster!
• Play the air, like a flute in the bushes.
• Alta, where are you getting? And right would crept something decent, and that F-sharp!
• Guys, it's a "cuckoo sounds," and not the approach of enemy aircraft!

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• All parties as a party, and the first soprano - invalidy!
• If someone has played out of tune, the main thing - time to look reproachfully at his neighbor.
• Do not choke in your own talent!
• Do not give me here all these snot bows breed! Wipe the neck and played dry!
• See one eye to the party, and two for me!
• Number the bars, and the eyes may move, and the numbers are not!
• House to come and do so, that the whole family you know how to play it ...
• Why are you always so hard trying to play as soon as I start to conduct?
• Women's choir! Sing along with their brains.
• This is a product you were soaked in a teacher.
• viola! Give into effect the moment your talent.
• It should be very hard to take that note, even if false!
• Clean your manicure with neck!
• Left hand stronger stirring to all thought that you are alive.
• You have dilated pupils! Reduce your eyes, play the small pupil, the state of the music depends on the condition of your pupil!
• Tell me, please, that you are playing as the conservatives? I'm going there tomorrow, choke rector and will require that you have taken away the diploma!
• Devonki, you palchiki on hand such as that of Schwarzenegger on foot!
• People who play false, should be put in jail along with counterfeiters.
• You should have your head in the drums beat louder than we would have!
• Stop staring at cleavage flutist, there is no music, your party is on the desk!
• Blowers, you at least sit up and trombones, but they, unlike you - guys!
• That I will turn now to your ass, and you guess what I meant to say!
• This is necessary so to hate each other, to play like that!
• Why do you as a child did not explain what the pipe is different from the Pioneer furnace?
• Shostakovich was not a boxer, but for this game it would be resurrected and filled your face!
• And what fool told you that your place on the stage, not on a construction site?
• Bassoon, sorry, this is what place you are to make sounds?
• For a solo, I would kiss you, sorry far sit. Waiting for you at 10 am tomorrow in my office.
• Drummers somehow always try to consider themselves the most important in the orchestra! Remember, the chief of the orchestra - the director, the second - I and you - in the first hundred!
• I have the impression that the pipes - obstruction. Refer to the gynecologist!
• If you have played the first time as a number, I'll kill you all one by one, bury Otsizhu, and then enter the new band!
• You, my dear, is the face, as if, except cello, you have nothing between your legs never held!
• You are not afraid to go to the second branch? Say thank you to the conservatory go intellectuals. And that proletarians rise up from their seats and stuffed all of you face for this game!
• Do not be so torturing harp and confuse it with a drunken husband.
• Play a pianissimo, as if I were dead!
• I know that you all hate me. Now think about how you should relate to me?
• I do not belong to you in the same music!
• The second trombone, I want to wish that on your funeral so played!
• What sort of New Orleans you are divorced? You do that in the family were negros?
• If you think you have a symphony orchestra is different from the tavern only because it has more labuhov, you are very wrong!
• From myself try to blow! I get the impression that you are a music school did not explain the direction of the air flow in the mouthpiece!
• I ask you to pass on to these eight measures, not even breathe!
• Was used to me, I took the wand so that you have resumed air permeability in the body!
• I will ask the scribes to the party for a bigger idiot wrote!
• I promise you employment in the underground passage, and personally contract with the cops and gangsters, that you did not touch. But I can not vouch for pedestrians.
• Would you rather saxophone - chainsaw "Friendship" in his hands. Sound the same, and more money!
• You have a very beautiful, strong hands. Put tools and strangle themselves with them, do not sneer at the music!
• You want to come home and give my condolences to your wife. How can you sleep with spasmodic person?
• You are so familiar it all play as if personally with Prokofiev drank!
• Tell me, do not you feel ashamed? Better if you messed up the air than it is a lovely place in the adagio!
• I stop any ceremony, and from now on you will begin to learn to love, if not me, then at least to the music!
• After each concert, you have to go to church and ask God for forgiveness. And do not forget the temple sacrifice.

With expanses Learn

[Eriksson]

Grigory, thanks, laughing to tears!
Remembered in this connection, one labushsky andekdot.


He died a great conductor.
Inconsolable widow decided to hand over to the commission concert tailcoat maestro.
In the breast pocket found a note: "Remember! Violins - left. Percussion - right."

[zarajara]

Originally Posted by Grigory

Pearls symphonic orchestra

Helped herself!

[Valerit]

If tomorrow, the twenty-first day of December, there will be end of the world is in 2013, in September, for sure, a lot of babies will be born.