(
artcol, I, too, that the link is not to your taste,
Kaffsky, if as a musical illustration dovlatovskogo Suitcase, then just agree with the last sentence of that "empty bag" 
> )
For the good mood and pleasant dreams:
Classic Michael Zoshchenko
Aristocrat
Grigory Ivanovich sighed loudly and wiped his chin with the sleeve and began to tell:
- I, my brothers, do not like women that are wearing hats. If a woman in a hat, if her stockings fildekosovye or mopsik on her hands, or gold tooth, then such an aristocratic woman and not me at all, but a smooth place.
And once I, of course, was fond of one aristocrat. Walked with her and drove to the theater. In the theater where it all happened. In the theater, and it has deployed its ideology throughout the volume.
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And I met her in the yard. At the meeting. I look, is a sort of frya. Stockings on her gilded tooth.
- Location - say - you, citizen? From what number?
- I, - he says - of the seventh.
- Please - say - live.
And just like something she liked me terribly. I frequent it. In the seventh room. Sometimes, I come as an official entity. Say, how are you, the citizen, in terms of damage to water supply and latrine? Work?
- Yes - answer, - act.
And she wrapped in a shawl flannelette, and no mur-mur more. Only his eyes cuts. And the tooth in the mouth glistens. I walked to her a month - was used. Steel detailing answer. Say, plumbing works, thank you, Grigory.
Further - more, have we had to walk through the streets. Out on the street, and she tells herself to take his arm. I will take her by the arm and drag that the pike. And what to say - I do not know, and ashamed before the people.
Well, once she said to me:
- What do you - he says - all the streets I drive? Ax head began to spin. You would have - he says - as cavalier and power, drove me to, for example, in the theater.
- Is it possible - I say.
And just the other day sent komyacheyka tickets to the opera. One ticket I got, and the other I donated to Vaska-fitter.
For tickets, I have not looked, but they are different. That my - at the bottom to sit, and that Vaska - as much as most gallery.
Here we go. They sat in the theater. She sat down at my ticket, I - to Vaska. I sit on Verkhoturye and a damn I do not see. And if to bend over the barrier, then I see it. Although badly. I bored, bored, went down. I look - waiting. She walks into the intermission.
- Hello - I say.
- Hello.
- Interestingly, - I say - if there is valid plumbing?
- I do not know - he says.
And the buffet itself. I'm for it. Walk it on the sideboard and the rack looks. A dish on a rack. Cakes on a platter.
I'm sort of a goose, a kind of bourgeois nerezanym vyus around her and offer:
- If - I say - you hunt to eat a cake, do not hesitate. I will pay.
- Mercy - says.
All of a sudden step to the right depraved and WoP dish with cream, and eating.
And the money I have - enough to swear. The most that the three cakes. She eats, and I anxiously sharyu pockets, watching his hand, how much money I have. And money - with Gulkina nose.
Ate it with cream, WoP more. I already cleared his throat. And silent. I took a sort of gourmet modesty. Say, knight, and not the money.
I walk around that cock, and she laughs and begs for compliments.
I say:
- Is not it time we get to the theater? Called, can be.
And she says:
- No.
And takes third.
I say:
- Empty stomach - not a lot you? May vomit.
And she says:
- No, - he says - we are accustomed to.
And takes the fourth.
Then I hit the blood to the head.
- Lodge - say - back!
She ispuzhalas. She opened her mouth, and in the mouth tooth gleams.
And if I got rein under the tail. Anyway, I think, now it does not walk.
- Lodge - say - to hell!
Put it back. And I say to the owner:
- How many of us eat three cakes for?
And the owner keeps indifferent - Vanka lying around.
- With you - he says - for four of them to eat so much.
- How to - say - four? When the dish is in the fourth.
- Neto - meets - even though it is in the dish, but a bite to eat and made a finger curl.
- How to - say - bite, good gracious! It is your ridiculous fantasies.
And the owner keeps indifferent - before turning the mug with his hands.
Well, the people, of course, met. Experts.
Some say - bite taken, others - no.
I emptied his pockets - all, of course, trash on the floor fell out - people laugh. And I'm not funny. I think money.
Counted the money - just enough for four of them. In vain, fair mother, he argued.
Paid. I appeal to the lady:
- Dokushayte - say - the citizen. Paid.
A lady does not move. And embarrassed dokushivat.
And then some uncle got involved.
- Come on - he says - I dokushayu.
And dokushal bastard. For my money, then.
We sat down in the theater. Inspected opera. And home.
And at home she says to me its gourmet tone:
- Pretty disgusting on your part. That no money - not ezdyut with the ladies.
And I say:
- Money is not, a citizen of, happiness. Pardon the expression.
So we had parted.
I do not like aristocrats.
1923